When I said I wanted to ‘take charge of my own fate‘, I did not expect the universe to shove multiple life-altering decisions to my face—all packed in a single year. Consequently, 2023 became both the year I learned to take my time and the year when time betrayed me, disappearing at the speed of light (that’s 300 thousand meters per second). As soon as I hit a milestone, I was forced to immediately move on to the next one; with barely any space to look back and appreciate it or simply catch a breath—not in the following order, that is:

Decision #1: To Finally Take that Leap at Work

I finally mustered the courage to leave the world of (traditional) policy research and embraced being an entrepreneur.

It happened in waves and over time, until one fateful afternoon, Ara was in his ‘coaching’ mode and helped me think through what really mattered in a job for me. It had always been in my head, but writing it down into a “career trade-off table” made it clear that:

1. I needed work that consistently challenged me and let me learn something new. This is the reason why I typically delight the first couple of years on a new job, which then plateaued and maxed out in year five. It’s a bonus to report to or work with someone smarter (maybe because I basically just want to be at school permanently except I need one that pays haha).
2. Having autonomy—to prioritize, to explore intellectually and otherwise—is non-negotiable. Perhaps because I am an academic at heart, I simply cannot be in a job where I am deprived of having a voice or have to blatantly hide the truth (I therefore would make a lousy politician).
3. Optimizing my marginal utility or value added is also important to me. I would ask, for example, if I put one day’s worth of work into this vs. the other job, which one would create more impact? In addition, am I the best person to do this in this organization, or should I be replaced by someone else?
4. Ideally, I would have power over the outcome. Can I influence any delta (change) in a statistically significant way if I stay in this institution? Or has it taken a business-as-usual course with or without me?
5. That said, I still require financial stability to support my family. So I would not blindly take risks, I need to properly plan for the transition and make sure that I can keep paying my bills. But it was on me to define what is ‘enough’ vs. a luxury trap filled with things that are nice to have but I can live without.

Even after it was clear that the World Bank stopped fulfilling the above for me, I still had doubts. Indeed, the institution that once provided me with a magnificent intellectual safe haven had turned into this comfort zone that got a little too familiar. I also knew that my personal mission of ‘learning from the best economists’ while at the same time ‘converting them to care more about the climate crisis’ had somewhat been achieved. I had the insane opportunity to work closely with so many great minds and made friends with some of the kindest, humblest people. I knew this chapter was coming to an end, but why was I still not sure? Was it because it felt a teeny bit entitled and ungrateful that I even considered resigning from a highly sought-after job?

Then it hit me: I had no idea what it took to build my own company. I spent almost 10 years being a researcher in the development sector, but I knew nothing when it came to fundraising, finding and maintaining talent, and operationalizing a vision.

The following sentence washed away all the doubts, “If I knew one thing about you, it is that you can learn about quite literally anything. If you have to learn to be an entrepreneur, be the damn quick learner that you are.” (Guess who said that.) Since then, I changed my course, restructuring how I approached the problem, started putting faith in my co-founders and team, and read/studied everything I could as I was switching onto this brand new, shiny corridor.

It was so scary at first but I am so, so glad I did; I could tell from this renewed excitement I got every morning I woke up. Felt like I could be fully present and intentional again about how I would like to spend my days. Of course, it was not all sunshine and rainbow, but dang exercising your agency felt pretty great.

Decision #2: To Actually Lead and (Try to) Build Something Great

I am a stickler and hyper-vigilant professional, which might be (somewhat) acceptable if you work on your own, but something to manage if you’re trying to lead an organization of 60 people.

PSA: If you haven’t already, take this helpful assessment on your top ‘saboteurs’. It is usually a great place to start understanding how your childhood and upbringing create certain patterns at work. It turns out that I was raised into a perfectionist, hyper-rational, and generally anxious adult. I will let you read more detailed descriptions from the link, but the point is that I quickly became aware of my ‘default’ intuitions and had to unlearn a little more than a few things to grow into the parents I was not prepared to be.

As I began the new chapter of leading and building Think Policy and Bijak Memilih this year, there were more than a handful of moments when I felt a different kind of loneliness: when you had to make an impossible or unpopular decision, when you had to disappoint your team member, or when you simply didn’t think anyone would understand. It was not quite a ‘summit’ the way people describe it, more like one of those crowded halls where people either avoid talking to you, or look at you at the same time for direction.

And sometimes you just do not have the answer.

Things do get better, however. Amidst the self-doubts, I started regaining conviction—thanks to the village who saved me: my personal ‘coach’ at home (wink), the best friends who also happened to be the amazing co-founders who covered my blind sides, as well as pretty much everyone over at Think Policy and Bijak Memilih, the people I was supposed to provide direction for are the very same I ended up learning a lot from. I am not a perfect leader, I am in fact far from it, but they trusted me anyway and I will forever be grateful.

By February 2024, we had accomplished some crazy things that people thought were impossible; it could be very tempting to let this define the entire year, but I am writing this post to remind myself that there was more to the year beyond the election.

Decision #3: To Let My Authentic Voice Out Again

For the first time in a long while, I allowed myself to be brave again: to ask the hard questions and tell the truth as it is.

Having been a small cog in a massive machine of an organization for five years, I have to admit that I forgot what my own ‘voice’ sounded like. I knew she was still somewhere in there, but it had been quieted down for so long that it would take some time to rediscover. Do not get me wrong, writing as part of the institution has its own perks (your work was read by actual policymakers, you got invited to rooms you otherwise would not, et cetera), but there is nothing even close to the taste of the freedom to just speak your mind, publicly.

My first reunion with this rewarding feeling was when I sat across Anies Baswedan and asked him about how he planned to manage potential conflicts of interest related to his supporters vis-a-vis environmental issues. I knew I was pushing the boundaries a little bit, but it was—after all—a legitimate question to ask, and I had nothing to lose. I think I almost cried that afternoon: I was floored by how his campaign provided that rare space embodying what democracy should look like. I did not realize how badly I had missed it until that point. A couple of weeks later, Ganjar Pranowo‘s team organized a similar event, followed by a series of columns I was invited to write for the Jakarta Post, a TEDxJakarta talk, a Malaka Project video, as well as speakership and media interview almost every other week. Slowly but surely, I could hear authentic myself again—it was quite mindboggling.

Apparently writing Buku Menjadi (which now has a best-seller status, woohoo) is a little different—that one felt pretty much like blogging on this platform. Somehow, meeting Buku Menjadi readers in Jogja, Bogor, Bandung, Denpasar, and Surabaya (a total of 8 sessions in 6 cities) was not exhausting because I got to bring along all my layers. This ‘public voice’ I was talking about is a lot more demanding, and sometimes would put me on a pedestal, one I would rather not be on. All in all, while enjoying this chapter, I happen to also be very cognizant of the potential trap that would turn me into a certain persona instead of a being who contains multitudes.

Decision #4: To Love and Commit

If you told me two and a half years ago that there is a whole other state of happiness reserved for me, and that I would find the love of my life, I would say that you must not be in your right mind.

At the end of the day, 2023 is a year of love for me and my husband. It is the year he proposed (March), we got engaged (September), and finally married (November). Throughout the year we fell in love, fought, and learned endlessly about being a better partner for each other. I have seen him laugh (I love it), cry (both in private and in front of our families and friends), dance (with me both in private and in front of our families and friends), get mad (because of silly and big things)—and I want to stay through it all.

Every day we would wake up and feel the gratitude of being able to meet and be in each other’s lives. It is so weird to think how we were still strangers the year before and now we are building our home and future together.

***

All in all, I entered the year with so many fears that turned out to be unfounded. Everything works out at the end if you just give it some time. No, they are not always easy, but the things that matter usually are worth figuring out/fighting for. I’m glad I decided to assume control and exercise my agency to the fullest, owning every single decision I made and its consequences—in all its mess and glory.

That being said, while my friend Wina dubbed 2023 as “my year”—it has indeed been the best year of my life so far—I wish I had more time to savor it.

Maybe 2024 is a year for just that.