Posts by Andhyta F. Utami

A sentimental researcher and a pattern-obsessed writer. Constructing a vacuum, one idea at a time.

Here’s to Not Being Stuck in the Hallway Forever

Remember that time when the only hard choice you needed to make was between ‘Paddle Pop Pelangi‘ vs. ‘Fantasy Anggur-Jeruk‘? No matter what you ended up with, there were almost zero consequences to the people around you—except for the rare occasions when you caught the flu.

I’m fully aware that what I’m about to talk about is going to sound ungrateful and borderline arrogant. You might say that being able to have a choice at all is already a massive privilege that some people could only imagine. But man, I will be lying if I say that the past two months had not been tormenting. That is, having to pick a path that will shape my long-term career trajectory. Basically, the first steps toward the ultimate destiny of how people will remember me.

Indeed, graduating from a generalist school opened dozens of doors—including some I didn’t even know existed. But with more doors, comes a humongous question of ‘what if’. Naturally, I made lists, tables, and talked to almost everyone I trust to get their perspectives. But the trade-off between choosing one career path over the other is too complicated; my head got so shaken up it led me to multiple emotional breakdowns.

Should I try out the private sector world for a bit or should I stay in the great organization that had brought me where I am? Should I enter the public sector now even though I will have to make some compromise? Or should I make a mediocre choice that does not really make me excited but at least does not have any red flag?

After 70 tiring, winding days of indecision, I’ve finally settled on a door. There had been some casualties on my way there—but it’s the door I opted. I knew I did not want to be stuck in an endless search or got stuck in the wrong place for short-term impulses. Maybe there never will be a perfect option. Now I just have to commit to my choice and deal with any repercussions that come with it.

If you’re one of the people affected by my confusion and hesitation in the past two months: I apologize. And if you’re one of the people who spent time and energy to talk to me: thank you. Not sure what mess I would have been without you.

Now I’m just excited about starting anew.

August 2016 was the month I ditched home to learn in a land of uncertainties, but I guess August 2018 will be the month I make peace with all the uncertainties that come with being at home. Wish me luck.

P. S. To understand the analogy of doors and hallways, watch this very relevant speech about ‘infinite browsing mode on Netflix’ by Pete Davis from the Harvard Law School during our commencement ceremony last May.

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Semester 4

Manusia terbiasa melihat genap sebagai sepuluh, atau selusin. Tapi mengakhiri di angka empat seperti janggal. Mungkin itu sebabnya aku merasa ada yang belum tuntas dalam hubunganku dengan kampus, dalam upayaku membuat otak penuh. Alih-alih merasa lengkap, benak ini seperti diisi kekacauan-kekacauan yang belum terjawab.

Jika dulu aku titik koma, bukannya menjadi titik, sekarang aku malah menjelma menjadi tanda tanya.

Dalam salah satu kuliahnya, dosenku mengingatkan tentang paradoks ‘merasa tidak tahu’ sebagai indikasi ‘mengetahui’. Suatu ketibaan di pulau ‘ketidaktahuan yang diketahui’ (known unknown) yang tadinya cuma sebuah titik di kejauhan.

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Bukan ingin menyangkal bahwa aku memperoleh 1-2 pengetahuan baru—tentang bagaimana melakukan analisis ekonomi atau kebijakan publik, serta kemewahan memiliki bahasa untuk mengkomunikasikannya—tapi itu tidak ada apa-apanya dibandingkan yang masih kupusingkan tentang bias manusia dan betapa sulitnya mencapai kesepakatan yang menyenangkan kedua pihak di tengah perbedaan ideologi.

Sampai heran, bagaimana bisa aku sempat merasa terbebani oleh banyaknya ilmu pengetahuan yang kumiliki ketika sekarang menjadi jelas bahwa itu semua cuma ‘ilusi keahlian’.

Untungnya, sebagai penutup semester, dosenku yang lain menyampaikan (sambil setengah bercanda dan disadur sekenanya):

Harvard Kennedy School adalah institusi di mana orang-orang dengan ‘kelainan mental’ ingin menyelamatkan dunia berkumpul. Ketika pulang ke rumah masing-masing dengan gelar baru, sangat wajar jika kalian tergoda untuk menjadi orang yang terpintar di setiap ruangan, untuk selalu memiliki jawaban bagi setiap pertanyaan. Tapi kenyataannya, kalian tidak berada di situ selama berbulan-bulan ke belakang. Karenanya selama 1-2 bulan pertama, izinkan rasa ingin tahu kalian untuk memimpin jalan. Dengarkan suara-suara yang muncul. Izinkan kalian untuk lebih sering bertanya daripada menjawab.

Kuliah umum ini menjadi semacam resolusi untukku, dan aku bertekad untuk menahan diri dari dorongan-dorongan intelektual tersebut. Sejauh ini, aku sering gagal, tapi kutulis ini juga untuk kembali mengingatkan.

Belum lagi, aku merasa belum sepenuhnya mawas diri bahwa sekarang aku sudah kembali ke Indonesia. Badanku ada di sini, tapi entah bagaimana sebagian pikiranku masih merasa bahwa aku akan ‘pulang’ ke Cambridge. Mungkin itu pertanda bahwa aku akan kembali dalam waktu dekat. Mungkin juga, itu semacam penanda bahwa kota yang anginnya tidak kenal ampun itu sudah menjadi rumah permanen, terlepas di mana aku berada.

Kata orang, seharusnya aku mulai merasakan reverse culture shock—geram karena orang tidak mengantri, transportasi publik yang tidak nyaman, atau mobil yang tidak berhenti ketika hendak menyebrang di zebra cross sekalipun. Namun, perbedaan-perbedaan perilaku itu sepertinya tidak terlalu berarti untukku, jika dibandingkan dengan besarnya kerinduanku berada di ruang kelas dan mempelajari hal baru.

Perasaan tidak nyaman yang familiar ketika ingin mengangkat tangan untuk bertanya atau menawarkan perspektif tapi takut terdengar bodoh. Ketakutan sekaligus kehausan mendengar opini dan analisis cemerlang dari mereka yang usianya tidak jauh dariku.

Saking tidak ingin lupa, kadang aku memutar kembali sekelebat ingatan dari pengalamanku di sana. Aku seperti ingin meyakinkan diri bahwa itu bukan mimpi, bahwa aku benar-benar sudah melalui semua proses pembelajaran tersebut, dan bahwa itu semua akan menjadi bagian formatif dalam kepribadianku.

Pada saat bersamaan, semakin aku bertahan untuk tetap berada ‘di sana’, semakin lama pula perjalananku ‘di sini’ akan dimulai. Sepertinya, jika ingin maju, aku harus perlahan-lahan melepas genggamanku. Bukan karena menyerah, tapi karena percaya bahwa aku akan selalu bisa kembali. Bahwa komunitas yang sama (terutama teman-teman terdekatku) akan selalu ada ketika aku mulai menjelma menjadi orang yang tak kukenal, atau lupa akan tujuan akhirku.

So here I am, loosening my grip, trying to embrace the new chapter. Let’s see where this one takes me.

 

Semester 3

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(An unfinished post written 7 months ago—when my hair was still green.)

Being in graduate school has interfered with my sense of time. The 15 months that had passed since the last time I saw my friends and family at the airport felt like a very long dream that started just yesterday. But in a bizarre way, I’m also very conscious about the 400 days that I’ve spent away from home—almost obsessively trying to store as many new memories as possible in my mind keepsake.

Coming back to school as a second-year student had been a very distinct experience. I was stronger, more intelligent, and somewhat less affected by my environment. Not in an ignorant way, just more resilient. Having a support system, being someone’s support system, knowing what you like, understanding the pace you’re comfortable with. That kind of stuff.

One thing I learned: sometimes, it’s not about you. People have all sorts of baggage and biases. Every now and then, they dump it on you when you least expect it. Being raised as an Asianno, Sundanesewoman, it had been very tempting to think I was to blame. But more often than not, it’s really them.

I ended semester two with a sense of responsibilitywhat am I gonna do with all this overwhelming knowledge? This semester, however, had been a humbling journey where I realized this is not about solving all the problems. Not immediately, at least.

There’s so much more I need to learn and it feels like my time is tight, but isn’t learning is supposed to be lifelong?

The Bilingual’s Balancing Game

I was 16 when they sent me to compete in this Turkish language olympiad. At the end of our final training day, oğretmenim jokingly told me I wouldn’t be able to win unless I could dream in Turkish that night. I guess it would signal that my mind had stopped translating for me and instead started to think in the once-foreign language, designated it as the ‘primary’ one. The next morning, I woke up vaguely recalling our (short) Turkish conversation in my sleep, and a week later, I flew back from Istanbul carrying a gold medal.

I haven’t been dreaming much Turkish these days, but between Indonesian and English, I could sense that my mind has been struggling to figure out which channel it should let take over as the alpha.

I used to compartmentalize them into my ‘formal’ and ‘informal’ languages. English was simply a language for writing emails at work, for tweeting ideas, for presenting research findings, for thinking about complex frameworks that Indonesian does not have a word for. Meanwhile, my (obviously self-proclaimed) funnier personality was a lot more accessible in Indonesian—I could relax and make deadpan jokes all day long. It was not difficult for me to switch between one track to another; my environment would cue me in and like a chameleon, I would have eased my way into one track.

This line began to blur when I moved to the US and have to also use English to socialize with fellow students. Underneath all the interactions, my English brain has been stretching herself in an attempt to enter an unknown territory and transmit sentences I have never delivered in English before like, “Can’t believe winter is just around the corner!” or gossips about certain professors.

My first semester of graduate school, therefore, had been slightly more exhausting than I expected it to be. I talked to people but felt like I could not fully express myself, such that initiating friendship became futile. The struggle was so real I made myself read a spoken word poem entitled “To the Phantom Jokes that Never Got Out of My Mouth” in front of a school-wide talent show. The first sentence of that piece read, I wish people knew how funny I am in Indonesian.

(By the end of that semester I have made four close friends thanks to negotiation class’s final memo assignment and I have been much happier at school now that I have my support system, but that story deserves its own blogpost.)

I would say that I had been much better at ‘informal English’ today compared to 15 months ago—but it also means that my mind has been thinking a lot in English and I could sense that I would have a ‘reverse struggle’ going back to Indonesia. Not to mention that I had been studying all these cool new theories, frameworks, and concepts for public policy in English. Already, I could feel my brain muscle pulling itself to translate phrases like ‘administrative and political feasibility’ or ‘behavioral nudge’. While living with Wikan helps in maintaining my ‘informal Indonesian’, my English brain has become much smarter than my Indonesian brain, and I worry if she couldn’t catch up.

This winter break, I am going back to Indonesia to do field research for my final policy analysis, which would require me to talk to dozens of Indonesian officials and staff in local organizations. The way I see it, it could be the perfect training lab to help my mind’s Indonesian channel readjust before I come back to Indonesia for good in June. Wish me luck.

P. S. If you happen to be a subscriber to Frame & Sentences video essays (setengah #kode), you may notice that I had been primarily using English. Again, it’s not because I haven’t tried, but the few times that I did, it had always been a nightmare for me to try to convey the same ideas in Indonesian. (We literally have to take 5 times as many shots because I kept making mistakes.) I don’t think it’s because I don’t love my country etc., but because my mind couldn’t access the same depth of thought process in Indonesian. I am working towards changing it, but thank you for understanding. Hope the subtitles help!

A Blazing Summer

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The past three months had been overwhelming: I finished an internship at the UNFCCC Secretariat, made new friends, and most exciting of all, launched a video essay YouTube channel with Wikan. We named our little brainchild Frame and Sentences because that’s what we think we’re respectively (somewhat) good at: taking pictures and putting words together. If you’d like to know more about the channel, we shared our background story through an interview with Swedian from Dialogika Podcast.

There are times when I feel like life has given me too much I might explode.

That said, August also marks the month that I left Indonesia last year. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I’m not sure if I can say the same about this damned country of mine. Now when I say that, it never means that I’m not going back home. In fact I’m very much looking forward to dipping back into a sea of problems that is my nation and try to discover a little space where I could make a difference.

For now, my home is Cambridge/Boston. Despite their ruthless winter, they have become a city of comfort. A place where people are warm anytime you’re in need of companionship, but provides caves of privacy when you need some lone time.

Speaking of home, last weekend Wikan and I took the train and bus to visit Göttingen, a city my family used to call home in 1998-1999. Things did not change that much; they simply shrank. The playground I used to hang out a lot at is now too small, though my elementary school somehow looks exactly the same.

I’ve come to like Bonn, too. The city’s weather never stays for more than two days, but maybe it’s just looking for our attention. It’s kind of cute, if you think about it.

Oh we visited Rotterdam and explored it on a bike, too. It was lovely.

Overall, it’s been such a rewarding and lessonful year. I look forward to what the next cycle has to offer.

On an unrelated note, I love how seasons come in four, and with this fourth blogpost, I have come to complete my seasonal blogpost series. I look forward to communicating my opinions and ideas visually, whichI’ve come to learnis a completely different animal.

I surely hope that this does not mean that I’ll stop writing, though. Video essays are the new cool guys I’ve been hanging out with, but I know my first love will always be a long, pictureless, sometimes structureless, good-old blogpost (just like this one). Onwards!