(An unfinished post written 7 months ago—when my hair was still green.)

Being in graduate school has interfered with my sense of time. The 15 months that had passed since the last time I saw my friends and family at the airport felt like a very long dream that started just yesterday. But in a bizarre way, I’m also very conscious about the 400 days that I’ve spent away from home—almost obsessively trying to store as many new memories as possible in my mind keepsake.

Coming back to school as a second-year student had been a very distinct experience. I was stronger, more intelligent, and somewhat less affected by my environment. Not in an ignorant way, just more resilient. Having a support system, being someone’s support system, knowing what you like, understanding the pace you’re comfortable with. That kind of stuff.

One thing I learned: sometimes, it’s not about you. People have all sorts of baggage and biases. Every now and then, they dump it on you when you least expect it. Being raised as an Asian—no, Sundanese—woman, it had been very tempting to think I was to blame. But more often than not, it’s really them.

I ended semester two with a sense of responsibility—what am I gonna do with all this overwhelming knowledge? This semester, however, had been a humbling journey where I realized this is not about solving all the problems. Not immediately, at least.

There’s so much more I need to learn and it feels like my time is tight, but isn’t learning is supposed to be lifelong?