In the 18 years I spent sitting in classrooms, I have learned so much about the world, but barely anything about myself. If you think about it, it is quite mad that we do not budget time in our formal education to at least be given the map to better understand this blob of ‘self’ in our heads, making small and big decisions every single day.
When this ‘self-awareness instruction manual’ was finally given to me through a leadership course in grad school, it completely altered how I operate in life. In fact, it felt as though I had been walking around with a blindfold for a while. I could see oh so clearly now!
And of course once I did, I simply couldn’t, wouldn’t stop. I got thirsty with understanding myself more, obsessed about sharing its importance and available toolbox with as many people as possible. I developed it into a whole bootcamp, and eventually wrote a book about it.
This flame then took the backseat in 2023 because Indonesia’s democracy happened, but the universe knew I haven’t finished my lesson because it made 2024 all about self-awareness.
First off, what are ‘saboteurs’?
In January 2024, I met a ‘founders therapist’ who made me (re)take the saboteur test (it’s free). I actually heard about it a couple of years before, but didn’t think too much about it until then.
Simply put, ‘saboteurs’ are automatic patterns in our minds that—especially when unattended—will take over and determine how we think, feel, and respond. They are named such because they will affect our performance, wellbeing, and relationships, possibly a manifestation of real people’s voices in our head—a mentor, parents (or parentified individual), partners, friends, or society in general.
Now they are not all bad. Sometimes, saboteurs could serve us, too. For example, my saboteurs (more below) have helped me avoid common mistakes or inefficiencies, innovate, and develop strategies to anticipate when things go wrong. When out of control, however, that’s when they stab you in the back.
The first step to conquering them, hence, is getting to know them—and I mean really understanding them. Once there, you can deconstruct the false beliefs underneath. To begin with, here’s the unabridged list of possible saboteurs (source: PositiveIntelligence.com):
Now I will be sharing the saboteurs I have been struggling with—not because I have overcome them all, but in the hope that they would somehow be helpful for you, too.
Saboteur #1: Stickler (and maybe Hyper-Achiever)
I’m not gonna lie: Bijak Memilih gave me, gave all of us quite the high. Not sure how, but we were cautious but fearless, driven by conviction, and most importantly, could authentically be ourselves. We focused on the goal, didn’t quite mind what others were saying about the experiment, and kept adapting as we went. We created something that actually helped people, discovered the right kind of community who supported the movement, and blessed with a genuine friendship while we’re at it.
It was amazing. I will always look back at the experience with fondness.
Only later I realized that it was possibly my stickler-slash-hyper-achiever Saboteur that did not take a sufficient amount of time to bask in this milestone, to properly appreciate both myself and everyone involved, to instead go on directly to the different ways that it was not perfect. Who was so impatient to start planning again for what’s next, to set up the right governance, without being sensitive and considerate enough to celebrate and understand the underlying predicaments at the time. And when the transition didn’t go as planned, I then went and blamed myself for ‘not knowing better’.
This was, expectedly, not my first rodeo. Getting into my dream master’s program, building a company from the ground up, publishing a book—they felt like a checklist that was supposed to happen, and became ‘normal’ within a short period. I generally have a hard time feeling grateful after some time, not realizing that it was not an easy feat and is a massive, unattainable privilege for many.
The false belief or hidden fear: That I am, if not for all my achievements, not good enough :) That if I don’t do this or fail, then I’m a nobody. I have since been trying to unlearn this and trying to focus on other sides of Afu—one who’s trying to be healthier, who is a partner/daughter/friend—anything not tied to an output or productivity. Am still far from being where I should be, but hey.
Saboteur #2: Hyper-Vigilant
I spent a few long nights in 2024 considering the worst-case scenario: a flood of what ifs, some turned into reality, but mostly did not. They were mostly related to work (involving external actors), though rarely they also intertwined with the personal.
A while ago my husband sent me a link that could potentially be (a tad bit misogynistic, but otherwise) quite helpful in describing the way that women are statistically more likely to be anxious. The guy in the video was saying that, essentially, we have this ability (tendency?) to connect one thought to another, creating chains of possibilities that may or may not happen. Men, on the contrary, has this ‘nothing box’ where they could just stay in for a while and think about, well, nothing. This is at least true in the case of my husband and I.
While my husband and I are both firstborns, our genders make a world of difference in how we’ve experienced life. Perhaps combined with childhood upbringings, I could not find a person more calm and steady as him. We are both great problem solvers, but I usually do so after worrying a lot (haha), while his heartbeat remains steady. I am fortunately great during crisis however, having gone through the scenario in my head a few times. We are quite the pair.
The false belief or hidden fear: The high standard of ‘success’ I put on myself pushed me to be “on guard” as a default against threats, both real and perceived. I may have a higher emotional reaction to potential failure or criticisms—especially when I know they are not true. It may also comes from societal expectations I may (intentionally or unintentionally) internalize and shoulder. You know what they say, “If you worry and it happens you worry twice.”
Saboteur #3: Hyper-Rational
Among others, this Saboteur is one I’m still in denial about haha. Since I generally feel good about understanding things, I enjoy finding theories that help me navigate my emotions. It was the reason why I enjoyed going to therapy, and reading books about it.
Only later I realized that this might simply mean that I was hyper-rationalizing the hell out of it.
This may explain why my friends only (tend to) come to me when they’re already in problem solving mode, or why I jump directly to frameworks when processing my own emotions. Apparently, the healthy thing to do is to just experience it instead, at least for a bit.
The worry is that I hadn’t been able to connect emotionally with most people, that I hadn’t been able to hold space when others were being vulnerable, and therefore not being a very good listener for them. But maybe that is a role I need or could take in life? (Friends diversification, anyone?)
The false belief or hidden fear: Intellectual overcompensation—I might have been using my intellect to shield myself from being vulnerable or internal fears of inadequacy. Having grown up in environments where I’m dubbed as ‘the smart one’, I feel a similar need to be this way among my family, partner, or friends. Again, I’m not yet sure where I’m headed with this one for now…
In conclusion
Rumi said it best:“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” Last year was full of ‘cleansing’: of people, emotions, and approaches that no longer served me. It was also a year of targeted muscle growth: pain in specific areas (mostly professional) so I can grow stronger there. (Which a friend of mine would argue I could now afford because I have a stable and fulfilling relationship at home.)
I don’t believe in many things, but I genuinely believe that we can solve half of the world’s problems had more people had self-awareness, albeit knowing your Saboteurs barely scratches the full extent of it.
Thank you for being a part of my 2024. Here’s to a more peaceful and anchored 2025.
P. S. Can’t believe I have been doing this annual reflection 14 times already. Talk about consistency, eh? (This might be my hyper-achieving Saboteur talking.)
Afu's Conundrum Journal 
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